Costa Rica - El Principo

The plane banks sharply to the left, and a new (at least new to me) view of the Pacific Ocean fills the tiny window. Judging by the incessant popping in my ears, we're heading down, either for an emergency 'water landing', or to the runway in Costa Rica's Liberia International Airport. Thankfully, terra firma appears below us before we land. Fiona and I are officially on our way to our first ever 'motorcycle-less ecotourism' vacation in Central America.

Land Ho! Our First View of Costa Rica

Besides the many dire warnings about tourist-robbing and homicidal drivers, our biggest concern with vacationing in Costa Rica was the language barrier. Dave Barry put it best when he said,

"Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last thirty years, foreign people still speak in foreign languages."

Fiona, a nurse in Southern California, deals with Spanglish speaking patients almost every day, though usually just requests for more drugs or a lawyer. We weren't sure how well that would serve us in Costa Rica. The last formal training I had in Spanish was in high school about 25 years ago, so before we left, I tried to refresh that mostly forgotten training with a $300 Rosetta Stone DVD titled 'Easy Español for El Gringo Estúpido'

As an aside, this language software is great if you want to learn how to say things like "Oh! Your hat is blue!" (¡Mierda! ¡Su sombrero es azul!) or "Where is the library?" (¿Dónde está la biblioteca?) Practical? Not really. And with only a week to master the language, the five or so words I managed to pick up from the DVD cost me about $60 each. Sí, las palabras españolas son muy costosas para el gringo estúpido.

The plane lands with a THUD! and we bounce our way to the airport. The word 'airport' is generous, the place we landed is really nothing more than a corrugated metal roof over a few randomly scattered chairs. If it never gets cold, I guess there really isn't much need for such modern conveniences as walls. The stairway is pushed to the plane door, and it's official. We're in Costa Rica.

Customs is surprisingly simple to clear, just a smile, a friendly wave and a passport stamp. ¡Bienvenidos a Costa Rica!

We walk outside to look for the rental car bus. A throng of sign waving Ticos (the name for Costa Rican locals) greets us, all shouting for our attention. I find the guy with the Dollar Rent-a-Car sign, and notice our names aren't on his list. No matter, he motions for us to follow him, and we get in his car. Strange, but hey, it's a different country, maybe this is the way they do business here. But then again, maybe he is a serial gringo killer....

Turned out to be the former, as he whisked us to the Dollar building. When I say whisked, I really mean launched the car into hyperspace, throwing up back against the seats, then proceeded to make five death defying passes on the outside, one in the grass, and that was just to get out of the parking lot. Hmm... the warning about homicidal Tico drivers seems to have a grain of truth in it.

As expected, the rental car agency had no record of us in their computer. After some linguistic difficulty, and a spirited game of charades, we managed to not only get a vehicle, but also learn where the local library is. Thank you Rosetta Stone!

I had to sign a paper proving that I had been advised never to have anything valuable in the car, to use the provided U-lock for the gear shift at all times except while actually shifting, always let local drivers pass me no matter what, and if I got a flat, NEVER let ANYONE help change it, just drive on it to someplace safe.

Keep that last rule in mind for later in the story.

Our car, a four wheel drive Suzuki Shitera, could barely hold our suitcases and us, but no matter, we had something to drive and it was time to risk our valuables and our lives finding the hotel.

The Suzuki Shitera - Four Cylinders of Unmatched Driving Fury.

The Spacious Shitera Interior.

Super T-Lock - Because a Stolen Car Ruins a Vacation

Ever drive a lap at Indy? No? Try driving on any road in Costa Rica, I am sure the feeling and the danger level are quite similar. We were obviously in a race with every local out there, and it was a race I was destined to lose. First lesson learned - The Tico drivers are indeed homicidal maniacs, so let 'em pass, because their gonna pass anyway. I came in last place, but at least we arrived more or less intact.

A Few of the Vehicles That Passed Us On the Way To the Hotel

The hotel was beautiful, sitting in the middle of a secluded cove. We quickly settled in and headed for the pool, where we learned our second lesson about Costa Rica. It's EXPENSIVE (¡Es costoso! ¡Realmente el coger costoso!) The Costa Rican dollar is called the Colon. ¢500 is about $1, depending on how bad you get gouged by the crooks at the currency exchange. But it is cool to cash in $100 and receive ¢20,000, it makes you feel rich.

2000 Colones - Worth About $4.
Any Money with a Hammerhead Shark on it is Pretty Cool

The rich feeling disappears quickly when you realize that one beer cost ¢2500, which is about five bucks. Strangely enough, Rosetta Stone never taught me the words for 'Gouge The Gringo', but our hotel clearly grasped the concept. The swim up bar in the pool was more than happy to accept soggy hammerheads in exchange for cool cervezas.

I started talking to John, seated next to me. He had just completed his recreational diver certification, and was pretty proud of it. He invited us to join his group in celebrating his accomplishment at a nearby restaurant that serves, 'the best American style hamburger around.'

Yeah, right! That's why I traveled to this place, to eat American style hamburgers. We politely declined his invitation. Soon after that, four guys swam up to the bar, and started telling us about their ATV/Canopy tour that day. They said it was expensive (I know, it's shocking) but well worth it.

Another Gringo seated at the bar jumped into the conversation. "There's also a bull riding competition in Brasilito tomorrow night. I've been in Costa Rica for a month learning Spanish, and I've been to a few of them. It's great fun." Judging by the way he continually hit on anything in a skirt, I doubted he was in Costa Rica only to learn Spanish. As he continued to talk at us, he continued to prove what a real winner he was. "You know, I've never gotten my wife anything for Valentine's Day. I've really got her trained well."

I'd have to say the best gift he gave her was leaving her alone for a month. The case of Costa Rican herpes he brings home will just be an added bonus for the poor woman. But hey, who am I to judge this douchebag? At least he gave us a valuable tip for something fun to do hasta la mañana!

We'd survived the drive to the hotel. Nothing had been stolen from us yet. We made a few new friends, and already found one Gringo sexual predator. We'd drained more than a few cervezas, and already needed to find an ATM for more colones. I'd say our vacation was off to a great start. With a final toast, the sun set on our first day in Costa Rica. Tomorrow - ATV riding, zip lining, bull fighting, and a run in with el policía.

¡Hasta Mañana, los quince fieles!

The next installment of the Costa Rica Adventure can be found here.